where is "I"?

i used to be a thinker. not a fabulously intellectual thinker, but a thinker nonetheless. i used to be thinking all the time. in fact, that's why i hardly ever spoke. i don't speak much now either, but that's not because i'm thinking but because i don't have anything intelligent to say. i used to wonder about everything, and though i was never those irritating kids who asked a lot of questions, i used to keep wondering in my head...sometimes if it seemed pressing enough i'd try to find out, but at others, i'd keep wondering. i'd love to listen to people talking. i've learnt a lot from seemingly mundane conversations.

but now, i don't think. really i don't. sometimes i almost feel like i'm trying to run away from myself, but i don't really understand why. i haven't written something good in a long time, and that's supposed to be one of my passions! i am mindlesly doing things. sometimes i wonder if i'm scared to let myself think, to face my emotions. i really don't know. i'm so goddamn confused!

i don't do the one thing i love doing - WRITE. this goddamn blog doesn't count. why? what's wrong with me? is there anything wrong with me or am i just being melodramatic? why can't i make sense to myself. i know i've stunted. my so called "out-of-the-box thinking" has gone for an extended vacation! why? college had a lot to contribute to it, one person in particular rather. but i guess i never realised it affected me so much. but that couldn't be all.

i don't think i understand myself very well. i haven't grown up much, i know that but is that a euphemism i use for being so goddamn stunted? i really don't know. i don't know. i really don't. isn't this what teenage is for? i thought i long passed this confusion!

do i know where i'm going?

why do i have such a limited attention span?

why do i spend so much time on the comp?

am i lonely?

am i depressed?

am i fake?

am i the person people tell me i am, or do i just keep being that person because they tell me that's me?