again again again i wanna write and i dont know what to write about. i thought i was a pro at getting tongue tied. have always written way too much than needs to be written but can't seem to put my thoughts into words right now. maybe i dont want to think actually. yes. actually that's what it is. i dont really want to think.

v's uncle had a massive heart attack. so maasive that all his arteries are blocked and it's damn near impossible to do a bypass until the condition stablises coz his pressure is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay below normal. heart attack's scare me. in fact the two words scare me. even if i'm cracking a joke and i say something like "God...you nearly gave me a heart attack!"..i automatically recoil coz i think that a heart attack is hardly something to be joking about!

my dad's had two heart attacks. one when i was in class 11 and when i was in first year of college. nothing has scared me that much.ever. u know how some people think their dads are heroes and that they're invincible. well, i am one of them. so to see that coming crashing down is the worst thing that could happen.
it was worse when i saw him in the hospital. he looked so old and weak. i had such a hard time holding back my tears.
what i went through i could never explain in words and thank god for a mother like mine who was strong through everything.

ever since, things havent been the same. my dad has always been an exuberant happy-go-lucky person but he' subdued so much. he hardly talks during most of our conversations. he worries too much. i miss him so much sometimes it drives me crazy. the worst part is, he isn't even here most of the time thanks to work. i love him so much and every time i think about how close i came to losin him..........