All i want is everything....

Last night I re-read The Kite Runner. I am not a person given to crying over books and movies but no other book has made me as sad as this book has. I reread it not just coz it's the only book I have here with me but because it affected me so profoundly the first time round. I miss my books. I miss my space. The one thing I don't miss is solitude. I have lots of that..yet I left "my space" back at home.

Although the story is something I cannot personally relate to, the one thing which struck me was being away from home. I remember telling someone once that when you move out of home, you think that "home" will always stay the same and nothing will be out of place when you go back. You know that's not possible logically but when has logic ever worked where emotions are concerned. I've been away for just about 2 months and I probably cannot qualify this statement like my father or my sister but I know that this is exactly what I expect.

I have always had trouble dealing with change. Of course, my life doesn't come to a standstill or anything like it but I do have trouble adjusting. I am attached to very few things, very few people, very few emotions and I hate having to let go of that comfort zone. The first time I realised how averse I was to change was after ICSE in class 10. I didn't cry when my whole class was bawling their eyes out because I had no idea what was to come. Sure, I was still in LH, but a lot of the people I knew as classmates, as friends were now in different places doing different things. There were so many new faces..and it was little hard getting used to it.

Then college happened. The change was obviously more drastic...and hence equally depressing for me. For a whole year, I hated going to college. I had friends yes, they are the best friends I've ever had, but I hated it. I cribbed, complained, cried. Then one fine morning, it was gone and I loved going to college....and sometimes I wish I hadn't taken that long getting used to the place...coz I miss so much about it now!

Now, going away from home. No I can't say I've got over the change. I still try to put an imaginary date in my head as the day I will be headed home.....There are days when I miss it so much I cry and even that doesn't take the pain away. I just cry till my tears dry up and I don't even feel better. In time I tell myself. In time.

What struck me while reading Kite Runner last night was the way Amir hated being reminded of Afghanistan because of his ugly past. I don't have an ugly past at home...it's the most beautiful past. Yet, yet I hate being reminded of home. I mean I always think about it. When I look at the beach, I think about Jingle would've enjoyed it, when I look at the roller coasters I think about how Runki would've gone crazy on them, when I look at my house, I think about how my parents would have loved them, when I look at clothes I think about fashion crazy girls.. Runki and Koni... Small things..big things...remind me of home all the time. Yet I'd rather not be consciously reminded of them.

I probably don't quite make sense but I'll try and explain. I have always associated everything. For example, I'd associate a movie with the people I went to watch it with, a restaurant with the people I went there with etc. Hence, I don't like watching Rang De Basanti anymore because it reminds me of my college friends, and the great time we had on that day. I have a few photographs put up in my room, but apart from that, I don't like looking at the rest of the pictures of my laptop. I miss my dog so much I have his photo as the wallpaper on my phone but I don't like looking at his pictures otherwise. Small, silly things like this affect me a lot. I know if I do things like this, I will just miss home more, so for now, I just choose to avoid them. It's probably very escapist..but that's the only way I can deal with it right now because confronting my emotions only means dealing with something I can't handle right now...I will change...in time. Until then, I will remain a workaholic by day, and insomniac by night...

Yet paradoxically, I love the internet even more than I used to earlier..because it is the only way I get news of home everyday.

I am happy here and I am glad I came here....but I wish life wasn't always about choices. I wish we always had home..wherever we went. Home is where the heart is, and my heart is in Calcutta, with everything I've always known as home, my family, my friends, my school, my college, MY SPACE.